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Ectopic Pregnancy - My Story

March 1st 2017. This is one of the happiest days of my life, finally we were pregnant. A baby. I think I brought and took around 20 tests just to double check, you know? I phoned my best friend after I took a test because I was freaking out, she cried. I had a meltdown, absolutely shitting myself even though I was estactic. All of sudden it was real I was going to be responsible for a tiny little human. Waiting all day for my husband to finish work so I could tell him in person, I didn’t do anything special like you see on those Facebook videos. That’s just not us. I left the test on the fireplace, told him to come look. When he looked it was a typical response from a man, ‘what’s that?’ ‘Ew is that a pee stick?’. Once I explained it’s the two lines he’s need to look at, he got so excited. He shouted ‘really! Are you sure!?’ Kissed me and picked me up. Now if you know me I hate being picked up, I have this ridiculous fear that if someone tries to pick me up and they make all those...
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My Reality of Motherhood

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What did you expect motherhood would be like when you were pregnant? Did you think it was going to be hard? Easy? Are you a go with the flow kind of gal?  I was expecting sunshine and rainbows, and for the most part it is. Until I was covered in spit up 24/7,  not showered for 5 days and I had forgotten how to use a hair brush. Those first few weeks with my son we’re crazy. I did lose my shit at 3am more than once trying to get him to latch, which I now know what cluster feeding. Which is totally normal. You see I thought I was prepared, I asked so many different questions to so many different people and I read numerous breastfeeding books but not one mentioned the fucking cluster feeds. I nearly said fuck it let’s just do formula but I knew I’d regret it the next day. I have nothing again formula before those keyboard mums come out screaming I’m mum shaming. *biggest eye roll I can muster*. I don’t agree with fed is best, I agree with informed is best. We should know what ...
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The Truth About After-Birth

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Well ladies and gentlemen, everyone needs to talk about afterbirth more! WAY more. I was so unprepared on what to expect about the afterbirth and that's kind of difficult when you're a control freak. (I'm working on not being so bad). Blood, guts, weird flubber like placenta, and mini contractions. All the things no fucker told me about. All I was told was I could chose to have the injection to get it out quicker, yes please I said, sign me up get that shit out of me faster than I can say placenta. Honestly the feeling of 'giving birth' to my placenta made me want to vomit. Painful from my 2nd degree tear and graze I had from pushing my chunky baby out. I was in pure heaven skin to skin with my little boy snuggling him, then the midwife is like right love time to get this placenta out. Pushing on my belly which was squishy already, uncomfortable as I was still having mini contractions. I didn't need the injection which I'm glad, less drugs in me th...
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Arrival of my Rainbow Baby

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I have to be honest, labour is rough as fuck. I was not mentally prepared for the long ass labour journey I went through. Now don't get me wrong it wasn't as long as what some women go through but does that mean what I went through was easy peasy? Hell to the no! As people we need to stop down playing the life events we go through just because someone had it worse than us. Some people have it so much better but that shouldn't stop us being thankful for what we have. Always appreciate someone else's journey though. Back to the vagina ripping, toe curling pain of bringing sweet innocent babies into the world. You know you always get told towards the end of pregnancy you'll just know when you're in labour. I call bullshit on the whole thing. I had the shits two weeks before my due date and EVERYONE was like holy shit Thia you're going to go into labour in the next few days. "That's what happened to me", is what I heard maybe everyday for the las...
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Anxiety & Agoraphobia - My Very Own Shit-storm

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I promise the good happy shit is coming soon, but like everything you gotta go through the bad to get to the good stuff. Right? I have suffered with anxiety for a long time, but it has changed over the years. Different life events that have happened that have altered the way my anxiety affects me. The one thing that has always stayed the same is the control freak in me. I have always felt that I need to be in control in some sort of way, even things I can't have control over. My mind has always run away with me, I would overthink pretty much everything, I mean I still do just not as bad. My anxiety really kicked off just before I turned 18. I passed out in a restaurant for no reason and had to be taken into hospital. In an area I hadn't been before, then I got discharged from the hospital with them telling me they didn't know what happened but I was fine. Strange I know, but I didn't question it. I passed out a couple more times throughout that year, but they never kne...
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Third Trimester, The End Is In Sight!

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The lovely third trimester, full of all the pregnancy symptoms you could think of. I'm pretty sure I was a walking book of symptoms. Although I had really good days, (mainly when drinking 1 litre of orange Fanta and 2 punnets of strawberries), there were a lot of really shitty days. My bump was so heavy my hips and pelvis basically didn't know how to function anymore. Pregnancy waddle - check, pregnancy glow a.k.a sweat - double check, the worst one of all that no fucker told me about was having wet knickers constantly! Gross I know but ladies it happens, we all know it happens lets just move on from the embarrassment of not knowing if you peed your pants, if your water has broken, or the truth, you just got increased discharge. Which is totally normal, although made me feel super uncomfortable. Luckily I had been signed off with my SPD so I was at home from around 32 weeks. I'm pretty sure I spent my last trimester eating my cravings which felt amazing at the time, in a bi...
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Second Trimester

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I don't know about you but the second trimester was my favourite time of my pregnancy even if it did come with more symptoms and pains. The nausea had stopped which was a win! I was doing so much better with my graded exposure to be able to overcome parts of my agoraphobia. I was finally getting an obvious baby bump, I didn't just look like I was getting chubbier. Finding out the gender was coming up as I'd booked a private scan to find out which was one of the best thing I done. If I could of afforded it, I would of booked to have even more scans the further along I got so I could see him growing and changing. Although I was enjoying it a lot more I still had all the fears in the back of my head, I was terrified of going to midwife appointments and them telling me they can't find a heartbeat. Or going into preterm labour. I would speak about my concerns and worries every time I saw my midwife or therapist as it was having an affect on my treatment plan. They would al...
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First Trimester

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So a little disclaimer, this post is only from my point of view and my experience being pregnant after my ectopic loss in March 2017. Pregnancy is different for everybody, we all deal with things in many different ways. Just please keep an open mind, even if you’re experience was different. For me being pregnant after my loss has been a rollercoaster of emotions. For a long time I wasn’t excited although everyone around me was ecstatic, my mum and a couple of close friends cried when I told them the news. I just couldn’t get all my fears out of my mind. When I finally started to feel some excitement, my brain would instantly go back to what happened last time. I was lucky enough to have a scan at 6 weeks to check that it had implanted in the correct place. I recommend speaking up if you are really worried. My GP wasn't going to refer me to have a early placement scan but I told her I would not be able to sleep until I knew, I also didn't want to lose my remaining fallo...
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