My Reality of Motherhood

What did you expect motherhood would be like when you were pregnant? Did you think it was going to be hard? Easy? Are you a go with the flow kind of gal? 

I was expecting sunshine and rainbows, and for the most part it is. Until I was covered in spit up 24/7,  not showered for 5 days and I had forgotten how to use a hair brush. Those first few weeks with my son we’re crazy. I did lose my shit at 3am more than once trying to get him to latch, which I now know what cluster feeding. Which is totally normal. You see I thought I was prepared, I asked so many different questions to so many different people and I read numerous breastfeeding books but not one mentioned the fucking cluster feeds. I nearly said fuck it let’s just do formula but I knew I’d regret it the next day. I have nothing again formula before those keyboard mums come out screaming I’m mum shaming. *biggest eye roll I can muster*. I don’t agree with fed is best, I agree with informed is best. We should know what we’re feeding out babies, the benefits and what effect it can have. You want to argue about my opinion on that then lets fucking go, I’m fed up of these mums that have a different opinion so therefore think that everyone else is wrong or mum shaming them. Give it a rest people, there are so many more things we should be concerning ourselves with. Like those McDonald’s paper straws, I mean what the fuck? I’m all for helping the environment, but couldn’t they of just stopped straws altogether instead? It’s like drinking out of soggy toilet paper. 

Anyway I got distracted sorry, motherhood. I love my son to pieces but I was so fucking unprepared for the emotions that would hit me. I wanted alone time yet when I had it I missed him like crazy, just wanted him back in my arms again. I just wanted to shit with the door closed again, now I’ll quite happily sit there on the loo chatting away to him to entertain him  and make sure he’s not pulling the hoover down on top of him. Yes that happened, no it doesn’t make me a bad parent. If you child hasn’t flung themselves into random objects then proceeded to cry about it you’re missing out I’m telling you. I am definitely learning as I’m going and I’m okay with that. My anxiety side of my brain was so unhappy with that at the start but I told her you know anxiety doesn’t have time in my life right now I’m trying to keep son alive and my nipples not to crumble and drop off. So see you later. 

                                                                     Both my babies 

My anxiety and agoraphobia have taken a back seat since I had him, it’s funny I was so consumed by them both for so long I forgot what it felt like to have a free mind. Don’t get me wrong I still have my moments of panic, and do I want to leave the house. But I remember it’s not about me anymore I want what’s best for my son, he needs fresh air, he needs to see the outside world and experience new things and see the world! I’ve done so many different things that scared the shit out of me for so long, I went to Bath Christmas markets and even though I was full of anxiety I fucking did it! 

My reality of motherhood is so much better in that sense, it’s helped me overcome fears I thought I’d have for the rest of my life and I’ll forever be grateful to my son for helping me heal my mind. That being said, who knew how many times a baby could shit in one day? Like seriously sometimes he poops like there is no tomorrow! I expected a lot of nappy changes but not that many! 

Now I’m not sure what my husband expected but he’s a go with the flow laid back type of person. He’s an amazing dad even if he does complain about our sons shits like he hasn’t shat before in his life. I didn’t know what to expect on our parenting views, how would we compromise on parenting when we’re both stubborn and there’s no chance I’m not cuddling my baby for as long as I want because I was told by so many of the older generation it would ruin my son and he’d become clingy. Oh how wrong you all are, during the day my son hates cuddling me now he wants to play and explore and chase the dog around. Pull anything and everything of side tablets, out of boxes. Yes I let him do all that because he’s learning, who am I to stop him from figuring out what’s in the box can come out of it if he picks it up? Does my house look like I have 50 kids running around just lobbing shit everywhere, hell yes it does! That’s what I’ve always wanted, a house full of crazy fun. 

At 7 months old my current reality is finding all the dummies and spoons my child has stashed in every tiny hiding place he can find. What’s your reality? Are you happy when you really think about it and if not why? Does the mess really matter?